Saturday, 31 August 2024

June -August look back

  (Week 1) 20th June - 30th June 2024 - Well thats over 4 years we dodged it so Ill take that as a win I think? We went to France for a belated 60th birthday celebration , we managed to do most of what I wanted to do then on the sunday I started to feel bad ..... Mark managed to get some covid tests on the monday and yup very quick very strong positive .... We made the decision to travel back home there was nothing stopping us, naturally we masked up and tried our best to avoid people, Mark was negative at this point but then positive when we came back.

In some ways it was a relief, I knew it had to happen sometime unless you hermetically seal yourself away and I think dodging it for 4 years was a good result. But yes it also brought some feelings back but perhaps thats not such a bad thing as it can help process them I can only hope...
This was on the 5th day I was hoping it was clearing but then the picture below was today .....
Still very strong, my main upset was that I was told I wasnt eligible for anti virals .... apparently I used to be but not any more ... hey ho, I think I am supposed to take that as a good thing but it was a shock and it really floored me. Me being me I managed to pick myself up and work through it, but yes I suppose this is learning to "live with the virus"
Below is on the Sunday, 7 days since I started showing symptoms, quite a bit fainter,  I still feel awful though its like a very bad cold at the moment,  strange though also not like a typical cold
(Week2) July 1st-7th
Day 9 ...... feck sake still positive 
Day 11, ooohhh it looks negative!!!
Day 15
I think this is still negative,  seriously these govt tests are not very good,  I got some from chemist but they were running out .... yup there is a big wave just now! 
Still feeling totally wiped out but being sensible 
I posted above on instagram in regard to the labour win, I'm slightly hopeful but not stupidly so, one thing I do want to see is a better policy on CV, less gaslighting and more seriousness,  I can only hope 😊
OK I may be going "slightly" stir crazy 🀣🀣 but I was get hacked off at the govt CV testing kits, I could never properly read the results so had to start using the kits I bought from the chemist, we were rationing those because they were in short supply. But see below the strip on the left as you look at it was govt strip, one on the right is chemist bought. The difference is clear, chemist bought is far clearer, you can hardly see the result on the govt one.
So I did an experiment,  I used another govt test but instead followed the instructions for the chemist one, this means keeping the swab in the fluid for longer and dropping in 4 drops instead of the three the govt one recommended.  
Blimey what a difference! Thankfully it still shows I'm negative but you can really read the result this time. I'm not sure what this proves if anything but I now feel more comfortable using govt ones
(Week 3) 8th - 14th July
OK, testing negative now but totally and utterly wiped out, binging loads of TV, apple TV turns out to be fab, severance, OMG Ted Lasso utterly fantastic,  went for very short walk, to traffic lights, utterly wiped me out for 2-3 days. I'm slowly coming round to fact I'll be out of things for a while, I'm surprisingly OK with this, I think being retired makes a huge difference. Phoned up Rheumatology nurses I'm OK to go back to methotrexate, I feel a bit anxious about it, but it has to be done, I'm stiff and sore I need to find a way to stretch.
Last day of week 3, I managed to sit in the garden, don't get me wrong CV is awful but the enforced slowing down has benefits I mean to get into the garden more, it's lovely. Also I'm scared to say thus out loud .... just in case but I might have turned a very very small corner 🀞🀞 lets see. Hopefully no repercussions tomorrow but I did a teensy bit more today



Plus I noticed after years! our neighbour is finally finishing off his shed, been over 2 years I think since he started

Week 4 15th - 22nd July
SoSome things resume I started back on methotrexate yesterday which always make me feel a bit yuk. But I might feel a teensy bit better?? We shall see, not up to it today but maybe tomorrow a very small walk?
Well it's tomorrow and there will be no small walk 🀦‍♀️ feel like I overdid it yesterday? I drove to tesco (5 mins away) I think that driving seems to tire me more than anything? Will see
So it's Wednesday I think yesterday's fatigue was a combination of anxiety about cleaners coming,  car stress and re starting methotrexate. Rubbish nights sleep just wiped out completely.  Hey ho another day lets wait till end of week to review properly 
Meantime garden is looking gorgeous! Am loving sitting outside in the morning 









Also shed update seems to have a coat of paint now and a space for a window in a weird place?
Thursday,  complete crash, in bed, I got an OK nights sleep not great not awful but it feels like going back two weeks, Toblerone remember Toblerone.... got too look at the longer game here. Had to laugh chum contacted me asking how I was , I replied honestly but the reply made it obvious they hadn't read my reply! All (most) people want to hear is that you're OK, they tend to gloss over the part when you say you're not ... so my question is why bother asking? 
Friday rubbish sleep, wiped but managed to get out of bed and washed and dressed 
Also shed update its had a second coat! But still needs a third I think

Saturday and as low as I've been since the start of this, sleep was disrupted and I was able to get washed and dressed but that's about it, if anything this feels as if its getting worse ... I'm shattered and scared
Sunday, made a lot of changes, unfollowed and came out of a lot of swimming related groups etc, that was bringing me down ill join back when I can. Joined a lot of cross stitch groups instead, that's good for mindless scrolling ! On the advice of lovely chum I downloaded free visible health app that will hopefully be good for tracking fatigue.  Lets see how it all goes
Week 5 22nd-29th July
Monday-a better nights sleep not amazing but good. Let's take things easy ...
Tuesday- more consistent with sleep, better at pacing, still wiped but am I any better? Not sure but I'm not worse but then i get car emails.... right set back
But these arrived which really cheered me up



Wednesday well visible app says I'm fatigued and I agree! Awful time with doctors refusing phone appointment such lack of care or empathy, phoned Rheumatology nurses waiting for call back
Thursday still fatigued but perhaps not as much? It's infinitesimal the difference lets see how day pans out. Making adaptations,  using bottle carrier from Emma to carry around my water bottle

Friday- seeing what causes crashes, I got up today washed and dressed but stupidly I took washing downstairs.... too much way too much, I saw heart rate went into cardio mode, I think when that happens that's when I crash,  need to see tomorrow 
Saturday - not too much of a crash so far not a great night's sleep but not the worst the phyto v supplements arrived lets see what difference they make still at a 2 on visible 
Sunday - oh got a 4 on visible I'll take that, think the good nights sleep helped, going to try yoga nidra. Taking the phyto v let's see where that goes, stupidly let heart rate go up a few times, it's going to take time ...
Week 6  29th July- 4th August - ok managed to get up washed and dressed got another 4 on visible app. Going to take methotrexate again today and see where that goes, am I getting slightly better or just better at pacing? Knackered after full on (under current conditions) day stress with car docs phoning, faffy dinner, also took methotrexate so need to see how it is tomorrow and wed...
Tuesday,  rubbish nights sleep thank you methotrexate but overall not too bad? Let's see how the day goes, day going OK so far! Highlight was getting this reply from and mayhem ensued who is doing an incredible job of recreating republican make up 🀣🀣
Wednesday- visible says 4 but I think that's a low 4 going to be incredibly cautious today but I got a good night's sleep last night 🀞very wobbly today very very wobbly tired? Don't think so just wobbly and shaky?
Thursday - dreadful nights sleep, very hot and disturbed but I feel strangly ok which worries me, I really dont want to overdo this so am trying really hard not too. We will see on saturday maybe how this pans out. Today panned out really well .... now I'm anxious that I've overdone I but I won't know until Saturday probably? 
Friday - ok a 3 on visible today I do feel a bit more wabbit but nit as bad as Wednesday pretty good sleep too. Let's see ok? Very very gentle today 
Saturday- amazing nights sleep thank you Benadryl still pretty wobbly and wabbit but let's see what the day brings, visible says 4 with my hrv the highest its been so still a ways to go, just not a good day, hr went up to 104 🀦‍♀️ my own stupid fault.
Sunday - an OK nights sleep thanks again benadryl! Let's keep heart rate down today big day tomorrow 😬 end of day, managed to stay up, did a very very little,  need to see how tomorrow goes, did first functional check in on visible got a 3.6 out of 6 it's all physical stuff which lowers the score. Keen to see what it is like next Time.
Week 7 - 5th-12th August Monday,  ok nights sleep, managed to get a 4 on visible, keen to see how today goes,  big test 😬 so it went OK, managed but slow, lay down in afternoon took methotrexate felt bit wobbly after that let see how it goes 
Tuesday  managed another 4, slight headache but not too bad? Managed a lap round garden
Wednesday- another 4 on visible, stood in shower got up and dressed for 9 did quite a lot today, made flower Wreath made tea, hmmmm went to bed just in case
Thursday- not the best nights sleep but OK, tired today but not wiped not sure? Stood for shower again. OK did a little bit, almost 1,300 steps? Quite tired came to bed at tea time but hopefully being sensible? Going to try no benadryl tonight lets see if i go backwards?
Friday - good nights sleep with no Benadryl,  tired ish today but still up, hrv OK on visible but resting hr bit low so only a 3. Let's see. Quite a full on day, phoned Louise from TT all a but emotional but got things in progress there, finally finally got car finance sorted out can't say what a relief that has been the stress was unreal
Saturday- again only a 3 but I think that's because I said fatigue was moderate yesterday perhaps I should have said mild, visible really needs a more granular fatigue scale. But  managed to stay up, had a reasonable night's sleep, let's see how today goes 
Sunday- a 4 but I think that's due to my symptom logging need to get more consistent with that, took ages to get to sleep but then dud get a good nights worth, just need to see how today goes 🀷‍♀️ well I had to go to bed again after dinner i did too much too quickly combined with the heat that tipped me over. But apparently I got a really good sleep which is good. Today was my last dose,of 20mg methotrexate what a relief that is
Week 8 12th - 19th August Monday,  pretty tired visible says 3 which I think is accurate,  hope to get out of bed though. So I got out of bed, bit of a mixed day. But I made dinner, also glued picture. And when I was talking to Mark I said about going to Doctor but I could manage on my own in 4 weeks time. I thought back to 2 weeks ago when I didn't think I could even go if he drove me. So I think that's quite a step forward?
Tuesday- not great night's sleep but I'm OK not floored lets see, I really should change the bed today not sure if I'm up to it? But tomorrow we pick up car? Do I just leave it till Thurs? Probably should. It been a not bad day? I managed dinner which required stirring and standing
Wednesday- big day today!! Need to drive the car back from Falkirk but more importantly ts an ending to that whole saga, reasonable sleep last night. Taking it easy this morning we can do this. Wobbly in afternoon but mostly because of anxiety about picking up car, also physio checking up because I cancelled training, very wobbly at night, probably doing car plus washing plus emotional 
Thursday- tired but not floored, remembered Shakti mat last night I think it helped get a really good sleep
Friday - bit if a headache and shaky/wobbliness again, low blood pressure? Don't know? But really good nights sleep need to see how day pans out
Saturday- reasonable but not amazing nights sleep, managed to get up and put load of washing on, went out in car Mark drove then lunch then put tumble dryer on
Really going to do nothing else today that's more than enough!
Sunday- bum overdid it yesterday,  only a 2 on visible but that's because resting HR was too high,  vr hr was eventually ok ish but I gamed that! Need to really reign it in today. Just so frustrating. Funny the things which tip you over but I think I am just low today anyway 
An ex boss, one who I wasn't that fond of got in touch to organise a group catch up. I'm normally OK with those, don't want to be rude and say hell no! So I gave my very valid reasons for not doing it and that really upset me so so much, just another indication of how much this has wiped put of my life. So two things, Helen and Karen on IG both messaging me, how lovely, and in the blink of an eye things change
Week 9 19th-26th August don't feel too bad this morning,  have nurse first hig and hopefully first dose of methotrexate at 15g it will be interesting to see if the lower dose make a difference got a 4 on visible 
Well that feels like an age ago. Really stressful and full on day on Monday had to go a second time to docs to sew how to inject myself because they gave me a syringe for my methotrexate 🀦‍♀️
All incredibly stressful but I did manage to drive myself and injection nurse was really lovely
I found by accident a physio therapist who deals with long covid I saw him on Wednesday that took a lot out of me a lot but it was necessary and also cathartic,  had long chat with Mark we are cancelling or putting things back, sad in some cases but necessary. Siged up for full visible with the armband so really looking forward to see how that goes.
Week 10 - 26th August- 1st September OK I'm going to park this here for now. I've got the visible armband and am tracking everything through that now. I'll maybe come back here and update, maybe monthly? Dunno yet its a long road ahead of me and I don't think this journey has an ending well not apart from the normal ending we all have ...
Funny how your life can totally change on a sixpence...







Storygraph August 2024

So we are now in to August! Only one book finished and again I'm annoyed I didn't rate it? It was lovely, Days at the Moritsake book shop,  well written spare writing nothing overblown, characters I grew to love and was invested I their story and back story, I have the second one to start. Heritage, well DNF I don't think I was in the mood to be honest? Space opera is normally my thing but I just wasn't feeling it 



Grieving and others expectations

I have amazing friends I am so so lucky the hardest part of this all is telling them exactly how low my current baseline is
 Nobody unless they have gone through this will understand, so I'm grieving for myself I'm also grieving through telling my chums and trying to manage their expectations too. Its so so hard, they don't understand and why should they? This is so extreme, well at the moment anyway. 
I am hopeful for progress. I just really need to pull right back and concentrate on the first stage of stabilising this. I can't do zoom just now I really can't, it takes and enormous amount of energy which I just don't have, if I do a zoom it has to be with my physio that's all I can do
Seeing others upset also just wipes me out completely, having to be strong for them too is impossible just now and managing their expectations around my condition is too much. But I'm also scared they forget me but that's a chance I will have to take
A lot of chums do get it, the gorgeous Jen, Glinda quilts is making my Siblings blocks for me and also sent me this 
It's lipstick from liberty πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• she said gin probably wasn't the best idea! So sent me a red lippy, oh Jen this was the best, grey Donkey thinks so too πŸ₯°πŸ₯°
This screenshot from visible shows how much a zoom can take out of me, the bottom one was.with my physio took 3 points but those are necessary! The second two were the set up for and a half hour with my best chum
My daily budget of energy is 11 points a half hour or even a 15-30 minute zoom call takes almost a third of my daily budget .... that's energy I don't have
My top for anyone who has a chronically ill chum??? Listen to them, if they say they can't do something then accept it and believe that they know their condition best. I know.its hard when you want to DO something but sometimes that something mean doing nothing but waiting and being there for them on the other side


Visible app pacing and resting

One of the best things among many with the visible app is seeing the impact resting has. The way I do it at the moment  is by using the pacing donut which very handily tells you where you are at with the days pacing
This is an example of how I managed to pull back from going over budget 



Each time I saw myself going over I stopped and properly rested,  yoga nidra seems to be the best but I'm using my shakti mat a lot which is the only thing which seems to calm down my racing thoughts 
I've actually ordered more plus the head rolls too I want one on each level so I can get onto it when needed

Friday, 30 August 2024

August furtle

 Well hello August further this was not the furtle post i was expecting to write but here we are! 
I came down with covid in June and diagnosed with long covid two weeks ago. My furtling activities have been very very limited and probably will be for quite a while, but as I say here we are!
I managed to start this embroidery Round the Woodland 
I'll work on this when I can, I wasnt able to make any pouches for Jen, Glinda quilts for her drive for Ukraine but I sent her some fabric and zips and look what she made!

How wonderful,  hopefully a little bit more furtling once I settle down with this, crazy new times!




Visible app

OK I'm going to document this journey, it will have a destination but I dont know quite what that will be yet 🀷‍♀️ and to be honest if I get a bit more than I have now I will be happy 
But first up is my game changer the visible app, OMG what a difference I already feel slightly more in control. Also I can see the impact different activities have and how they impact positively or negatively 
Bit of background,  the visible app gives you a daily budget of points, this is based on your heart rate, for me I have 11 daily points, I try to keep my heart rate below 88 (over that I'm using energy I don't have) I aim to avoid between 82 and 88 if possible and not spend too much time there because that's like putting your foot down on the accelerator and you use up way more energy in this zone
Between 70 and 82 is activity and below 70 is rest this is where you recover and regenerate
I am slowly learning it but it's the first thing which makes me feel in control
This is an example of a days activity
You can see where you are active (blue) over exertion (pink) or resting (white)
You can tag activities and see how they impact your energy budget
You can also see improvements,  I've made some adaptations to my showering and this let's me see what positive impact they have made
Incredible,  Tuesday was a bad day and the shower really took it out of me but today I managed a 0.2 decrease from Monday! If your daily budget is only 11 points then those little wins are actually big wins



First steps with Long covid

 Suffering usually relates to wanting things not to be the way they are. How true. Having a dream a goal is crucial going forward, I am constantly reminded that this is going to take months if not years to get to some level of "recovery" but I need some realistic dreams and goals along the way, intentions that's the way my physio looks at it, intentions
"Let go or be dragged" I saw that on the visible site, very powerful, but how much do I have to let go? A lot as it turns out!!! Hair for a start!! There is no energy to wash it or dry it so odd it's goes!


I LOVE it 😊😊
Going to keep it come what may! I'm looking back and seeing all my walks around the lanes, how I missed them, this is what I want to get back to, I don't actually need anything else. My itch to get out and about has been scratched
Meet grey Donkey!!! Scoobs as you would expect is being utterly wonderful he knows I miss the donkeys so look he said I'd you can't go to the donkeys they can come to you ❤️❤️❤️πŸ’•
Grey Donkey goes everywhere with me, when I need to stop to get HR down he sits with me until its down, he has some chums, wisteria card and glacial snail card, they are from a wonderful chum who gets it just totally gets it
This is going to be a long long journey with no indication of what's at the end but I'm here for it and will donmy best along the way
 I have never quitter down any of my previous journeys, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, lipidema, but I think I need to journal this, I learned a lot of lessons from the previous journeys I'm keen to see what i learn from this
And here are the real donkeys Scoobs taking his "interim Donkey reporter" role very seriously 🀣🀣


A Hug a cookie and a juice box

OK I wasnt going to do this but then decided I do love looking back and really remembering how things were.

So let's have posts dedicated to retirement and especially at this point my first dance with covid amd Long covid, the title is taken from one of my favourite threads accounts - and mayhem ensued. He signs off each of his sketches he's with "have a hug a cookie and a juice box" it's just lovely, he pierces the MAGA crew mercilessly but also with some compassion I feel. I'm really enjoying threads at the moment very much like twitter in the early days.
Instagram feels stale and a but echoey just now
I'm going to start a list like I did when I had chemo, I can still see the wee book I wrote it in, it was a William Morris notebook it was my Tyoona juice and treats book, after Rosie and cheeto on IG, things to look forward too, things to tick off 




I'm completely reshaping retirement and it's not all bad, I love my house why would I spend most of my week away from it? I want it to be clean and tidy and well looked after it's been my haven and sanctuary more than once it deserves to be looked after.
Today I cut ties with training and with TT, I will miss training and my frites after but not TT, they were taking the piss they really were. I'm sad in many ways but also quite excited, this is giving me the chance to shape my retirement having learned the lessons of the last two years, thats actually quite powerful. 
These are some dreams some hopes, who knows they may happen they may not? But nice to think about 
Adventures with Scoobs any adventure with him
Steak frites with Jacky plus prosecco natch!
Sunrise dook with selkies
Coffee with Andy
Kaleidoscope with Kim
Bonnybridge weekend plus Kaleidoscope with Irene 
Mowgli with Wendy