No thinking

"Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so" 
Hamlet to Rosecrantz apropos of Denmark which was a prison to Hamlet.

June 2020
June, June, when the heck did it become June? Was this month the worst of lockdown? I don’t know I really don’t know, so many highs and but all so extreme so so extreme. I now get out for unlimited daily walks, overdid it yesterday with a full on 10k walk! But so much good stuff, Ruth and Sheena Thursday night zooms. Jacky gnt on a Friday, lunch in the garden with Scoobs. Why am I not focussing my mind on those things instead of all the stuff at work? A my boss said, it is only work.

May 2020
Well end of May .... the world has tipped just tipped, I have no words, no time off nothing, just stress stress stress but must get on top of it.
There is good, there is a lot of good, time with Scoobs, loving my house, loving my countryside. I can do this, i can.

I need a break, i really really need a break, I think end of tether was reached a few weeks (months!) ago. Perspective needed and some days off are needed. Time off is in order!
OK if I'm going to have to do laps of my garden so be it! Could be an awful lot worse

I miss going to the cinema, I loved my cine world unlimited card.
I want to scream, I feel suffocated spending most of my time being shouted at from above from the side from below, all directions. Overeating overthinking over paranoia!!!!
And breath, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.
I got new specs, i love my new specs, I adore them. Grateful for my trusty wonderclip keeping my old ones together for so long. I need a break, I need a break from back to back online meetings I need a break from everyone having a go and that includes me!!
I need a break.

April 2020

I have been taking photographs of the night sky (very badly!) but we have had some crackers over the past few weeks, I have also been trying to take photographs of the foliage around the garden, I have been doing laps of the garden to try and get mobilising ...

Where to start, where to even think about starting? I don't know how we got here, I look at below, day 2 of isolation …. I might even be adapting to the 'new normal' fuck who doesn't want to scream when they hear that …. stress eating bread and crackers seem to be my new super power …
I videoed this below for my chum Jacky, also for posterity, this is my daily morning laps and i am blooming lucky to have the garden to take these laps in!

I have started to spend the money i would normally spend on crisps etc on fabric instead, this way i get to support small businesses while getting fabric! win win!
These buds are on one of our trees i see them now every morning on my laps, they are slowly opening up.

March 2020
Well that all escalated !!! Good lord when did we get here? 18th March, day 2 of self isolation due to Covid -19.
I am still reeling a bit from it all to be honest. Who the heck saw this coming? Mother Nature is just incredible isn’t she. She is really getting her own back isn’t she!
I don’t know what to say, trying to find a new normal but that will probably just happen. Main priorities?  Staying safe staying sane and staying human!
So this is my new commute. It will take getting used to but hey it could be worse?

January 2020
Late January
Another day off I allowed to be ruined by overthinking. Another reason to beat myself up. I beat myself up for perceived wrong doing. Continually looking externally for verification of my worth. But when I get that verification the inner critic shuts it down! Oh the irony. 
Be a surf board not an ironing board, never a truer word said. 
I don't need others to tell me I'm good enough, I don't need that. 
Sheila you have come so far, done so much, touched so many lives you don't need the verification of others. Stop seeking what you don't need. 
Look at the life you live and enjoy. 

Well  what a start to the new year .... I got robbed of half of my holiday. I had to go and look after my mam, and while it was the right thing to do it put a real dent in my mental and physical health. But it happened and i just need to deal with it.
Lovely day today, started off with nice walk round park in Cumbernauld. Some lovely moss and lichen there and it cleared out the head a bit. I have had some lovely days since i got back and the sewing room is sorted too, just needs a new carpet!
Hey be easy on yourself.

October 2019
I should come back here more often, how how how appropriate is that quote? Currently i am more stressed out than i have been in a long long time. Probably not since the dark days of the old job.
Overthinking thats what does it. That plus the continual thinking that i am just not "quite good enough" the lukewarm fanfare of the new job didnt help to be honest. And from then on in it has just spiralled down and down and down so today i felt like phoning the samaritans for the first time in a long time. Im not thinking bad bad thoughts, i had originally wanted to speak to breathing space but they werent open.
I feel there is only so much dumping on chums you can do, also i dont want to dump too much on Mark either.
So what to do? shoulder is chronic now, i am so worried it 'goes' again, I cant go through that amount of pain again.
I need perspective, i need a plan i need to stop endlessly ruminating I need to switch off this fucking brain of mine!
OK, perspective.
I have only been in the job four weeks ffs .... give me a fucking break! This amount of cak does not get fixed over night you know.
I am actually making some very very little progress. but its still progress, seems to me much more than has been done in the past 18 months ..... I need folks to stop interfering, Im on it ok?
I need a break as far as the online course goes. Its doing my head in as well.
I need to get fit, i cant let this get to me and the stress of that potentially kicking off too is not helping.

I love a graveyard, so facinating, so much history ironically so much life. This is Kirkton up in my home town.

I was doing so well!!!! i really was and then bang a day full of over thinking, ruminating and allowing someone to get RIGHT under my skin .... what do you do when someone you really really dislike and who has been quite horrible to you,  decides that they want to be your best friend?? Im constantly on edge and my heart sinks whenever i see a comment ...I cant avoid because that would mean giving up something i love doing.
so, nothing for it but a lunchtime walk/jog and reconnet with my favourite fence posts to see how they are doing.

Well almost at the end of January. its been a funny old month! ive been swinging from thinking everything is rubbish to thinking WOW what does the future hold for me now. The new job has been hugely challenging, hugely in many ways but it has also invigorated me. There is life in this old dog yet!
A latte and a salmon bagel, very uninteresting but hugely significant. In my first marriage we would often come to Edinburgh to visit. I would longingly see shops and cafes and places to eat and think I would never be free enough to be one of those hips trendy and glamorous people who frequented them. OK I dunno if I'm hip trendy or glamorous 😁 but I nip in and out of the places I used to look at longingly. This is what used to be Luccas a cafe I never thought I would have the courage to enter or be free enough to enter. You've come a long way lady 😁

For a page which is called no thinking it seems to be a lot about thinking!  but maybe its about the correct thinking? the healthy thinking instead of the unhealthy thinking? 
So what has this week been about? the first week back at work? it was not as bad as i thought it would be and if anything slightly better! been thinking a lot about the "illusion of control" i soooooooo need to apply that to work and just let * things * go * 
We had a rural meeting :-) Elvis will be our entertainment in March !!! but he is in an Elvis convention at the moment .... couldnt make it up, love the Rural.

Church for the Rural meeting
Saturday rekindled my love of knitting! Fab knitting class with lovely Sheena, just a great nice day.

The #makershand hashtag on IG really set me thinking. Here are my hands:

there were so many other makers out there with RA, it was so good to see how they coped and their perspective on it.
So all in all a good week.

Been thinking a LOT about that on my first week back at work! Keeping perspective is a grand thing especially when people totally grind your gears! Today I reminded myself that not all battles need to be fought, that I don't actually NEED everyone that is in my life and I can walk away from groups etc if they don't fill me with pleasure. I know I don't do groups very well, I know that so if it's not giving me what I need then walk away. I need to compromise and am happy to do so but won't let others put me down either.
This was me last weekend! Oot on my bike, aww fae braw. I got s bit lost and did more than I should have but I enjoyed it and that's the main thing isn't it.

I am rapidly becoming a connoisseur of the cafes in Falkirk retail park. This is the range nice tea and scone but not as much tea as dunelm Mill and it was dearer. Still nice though. Thoroughly deserved after 2 hours on my bike! 
 More beautiful algae on the canal walls.
 Antonine wall where we used to walk Bud.

 This was on the way to the retail park,  I saw it while waiting for traffic lights. It strikes me all the time how nature always wins. It waits and waits and seeks a crevice or a foothold then it takes over again.
The illusion of control. Its been on my mind for a while now. A lot of my stress comes from the illusion that I have control. Repeatedly thinking about things gives me the sense I can control it, bollocks ... nature always wins it is the only thing which has any control. 

I am thinking of each day as its own separate time capsule. Bordering my thoughts with the end of this day and nothing else. I like it. Yesterday was a cinema day, Bumblebee, loved it. I have taken to parking the car about 40 mins walk from the cinema which means I can get my steps in as well 😊 Walking back along the canal it was dark, for the first time I noticed the lights which guide you along. So pretty like s ribbon guiding you forward.
Ok you can't really see it but I can picture it in my mind, it was lovely and in other news I have just found out I can use my shonky old vintage iPad to update this page! Win win. Now off out on my bike for today's adventure.

HMMM one day in a I fell at the first hurdle. I had a lovely coffee with a chum but they werent in a particularly good place and i spent the rest of the day wondering how much was my fault, if any?? they were maybe just being a bit grumpy, which is allowed! so today i was determined to remedy that. Off to see my first film of 2019 - the Favourite, incredible, determined to keep my stesps up i walked to see these chaps:
 Gosh what a grey day it was, never mind they are still beautiful!
Walking from the cinema i passed this old school building, some really interesting lichen here I love the colours.

 On the way back i wanted a cup of tea so I went to a burger van in the industrial estate,  I also got an egg roll,  but it was eaten too quickly to get a picture the tea was the nicest cup of tea i have had in ages! so good. £2.40 in total, what a bargain. A lovely walk, a really nice day.

ahhhhhh the 1st of January, a day littered with good intentions! I have been looking back lot and thinking a lot as well, 2018 hasnt been a bad or a good year it just has "been" I have had worse I have had better, did i know that at the time? i dont know if i did or not. I have been trying to meditate more this year and one meditation has the phrase "no thinking" half way through, this always hits me in the face as i know at that point my thoughts are always creeping back in.
No thinking how good so much of our life would be if we could just stop thinking, stop dissecting every interaction every email looking for hidden meaning and purpose. Trained from a child i look back at every event and flay it apart looking for things i did wrong, ways in which i did something wrong, hurt someone said the "wrong thing" this i can the use to beat myself up, a favourite past time in recent years.
I blame hormones they are just a bugger!
Anyhoo i would like to start training my mind to accept things as they are, face value, if someone compliments me - let them,  if it seems that someone likes me - let them. Stop finding ways to reinforce the negative. If friends are dissecting emails looking for hidden meaning?? - let them, it is just too exhausting otherwise. If people continually want to make a "point"?? let them.
Me? i just want to look at fence posts. I have a favourite fence post :-) 
This new year i discovered a chum on Instagram who also like moss and algae. around my walk near my house there is a lot of it, particularly on fence posts. To me they always look like little fantasy villages or towns, remind me of Enid Blyton fairy tales :-)
This was my new year walk for 2019.

 I would love to buy this old farmhouse and do it up, it has stunning views.

 This is my favourite fence post, i love seeing the moss and lichen on it when i do my circuit.

 Oh another favourite, i always have to stand on tip toes to see into this one.

No comments:

Post a comment