CV 19

 I think I'm at the stage now where I want to pull together my thoughts on the pandemic and what it meant to me. I think I have enough distance now for it not to be too Rose tinted but I have enough perspective.

We went into 2020 knowing nothing, I'd heard some snippets but everyone seemed to think it would be like other outbreaks and not really touch us.

We had a 2 week trip to Japan booked for late February, I will never forget a colleague passing my door 2 days before we left, she told me to have a nice time, I said well yes if we get to go! She thought I was talking about work and laughed at me when I said we were worried about this coronavirus.

So we got to Japan and the trip was wonderful.  We did see people wearing masks but that's natural in Japan. 

We thought nothing of it till we got back late February, Mark developed a cold during trip home, we bought him a mask felt all very weird and strange, the clouds were looming on our return we phoned up NHS 24 and were advised to get Mark tested that was on the 27th February. He had to go to a hotel car park in Larbert someone in a bio hazard suit came out and he went in. He was horrified when they stuck a swab up his nose !!! Seems funny now we were nose swabbing for years but this was our first encounter.

We both had to isolate, this was all so new and scary but surreal too. I went back to work on the 2nd March I remember having to phone up and get guidance and being told that I didnt have to worry it was only my husband who needed to isolate, we werent even in separate rooms!!! This all seems utterly crazy now looking back but there was no guidance.

In my year for the day diary on 3rd March 2020 I wrote - Covid 19 - its shite .... how little did I know ...

6th March we had our first CV 19 meeting, this was in person we were talking strategies for how we would cope in the event of any shutdown, i remember it so well. 9th March I wrote in my diary - TEAMS all day!!!! good grief how little did I know, we were upskilling one of our international campuses who had already gone into lockdown.

1st March - Sheena starts coffee on quilts hash tag, it became a regular part of the start of the pandemic for me

13th March, I noted how it ramps up every day but i got my medication thanks to the pharmacy, good grief pharmacists, another set of pandemic heroes.

14th March we had a sewing day for the Glasgow guild, I remember us all being wary we had no idea what to do! I think one of the members burst into tears, Dawn had made us lentil soup, much needed.

15th March - What a difference a year makes all feeling very apocalyptic, how little did I know ...

Up to the 19th March I just note its brutal, one of the other sections of the University was behaving very badly, yes we were all scared but there was no call to behave like that.

20th March, library closed, I remember that like it was yesterday, there was me Iain and Clare, we waited and waited and waited for our boss to call us to give us the signal, we threw everything out which was perishable, took loads of loo roll home! lord the panic buying of loo roll .... I bought rice and pasta from student shop, I remember putting back some gluten free stuff it was in such short supply every one was stocking up, hoarding! I didn't want to deprive a coeliac of their pasta. goodness ....

Mark and I set up our WFH offices, little did we think that we would be using them for 3 years and now Mark permanently! all very strange. We got tables out of the garage I got the room we had been using as an office, Mark preferred using a corner of the dining room, we both thanked our lucky stars we had a nice room each plus we had just got fibre optic BB installed I dont think we could have coped without it.

We went to the shops once or twice, I remember being terrified, Mark went at least twice and we would strip him down and wash everything before using it. It was all about the droplets then, I dont think we even wore masks ....

I thought I should also go just to do my bit, good grief it was dreadful, I went to Aldi first, the guard slopped so much hand sanitiser on me, I went in but it was like the wild west, folks just behaving as normal depsite all the notices, I panicked abandoned my trolley and scarpered. I then went to Tesco, stood in a queue for ages and then when I got to the front the attendant wanted me to give him a pound or a token for the trolley, I realised it was still in my abandonded trolley in Aldi .... I started to wobble, a really nice chap behind me leaned over my shoulder to give me a pound but I panicked at someone being so close and ran away! I am so sorry he was trying to be nice but .... I remember sitting in the car and screaming and screaming and crying.

But I am not a quitter, I remembered that Asda didnt use trolley tokens at that time so went to my third shop and diligently stood in the queue and eventually got round, I was totally bricking it.

When I got home I really didnt want to do any of that again so re activated my hello fresh account, that way at least we got some home delivered meals. I think we also got onto the priority slot for deliveries  when I was told I had to shield, still getting deliveries from Asda to this day! 

I went round Aldi yesterday 09/02/2023 for the first time since abandoning my trolley, it was quite a thing to do and feel.

21st March - first Killearn zoom meeting, how little did we realise that this would be the norm for quite so long.

25th March - So much awful behaviour at work, I had to call in my boss to help me out, not something I normally do, but people were espousing "care and compassion" but being very selective about who that was shown too.

28th march - My diary notes - "hit a wall, didnt notice Mark coming in with coffee" I remember that so well now, it scared both of us.

1st April - I note that it is all beginning to hit home about CV 19 now.

3rd April - Stressing about Furlough, blimey that was all a bit brutal wasnt it, our staff didnt get any reduction in pay though, the University topped up the govt scheme. Nevertheless many staff felt very vulnerable about this.

4th April - supporting small businesses, they were so badly hit, I tried to buy from a wide variety of shops who were selling online, so hard for them

13th April - Poor Mark, I was ok with my hobbies as they were all indoor, he missed his outdoor activities, so he set up his tent in the back garden!

We really loved our garden, still do!

14th April - Start the recording of Crafting during the Coronavirus craft diaries for Naomi Alice on instagram

16th April - Started regular zooms with chums, well we didnt know they were going to be regular then ....

25th April - Start of my first blossom watch, walking down to the village to see the blossom on the trees

30th April 2020

First notification of shielding .... I seem to remember I was late in getting this letter, I had expected it but when I didnt get it i thought i was OK, but then i wasnt. 

I remember a nice chap phoned me up and talked me through implications etc, One of the main things I remember was him talking about my cancer, the original strain of CV was linked to blood and there was an implication that if I caught it it might set off my lymphoma again, that to be honest was the most terrifying thing. I remember being grateful that we were so well set up at home.

This was the start of regular zooms with chums, I set up 2 regular zooms, a thursday night one with crafty chums and a friday night one with my bff who also works in HE, it was a friday night OMG we got to the end of the week gin n T zoom, much needed .....

1st May, we all tried to keep ourselves boyed up, I organised a 40th birthday party for a work colleague, all on zoom of course!

wore my Angry birds hat!!

6th May

We started re watching lots of comfort TV, The Good life was one of the first we re watched, great comfort.

It wasnt all bad, we really started to appreciate our garden during this time

7th May 2020

Faaaarrrccckkkk!!!! what do you do when your glasses break in the middle of a lock down???? well you improvise and hold them together with wonderclips 😂 I couldnt go on like this and couldnt get a replacement pair easily because they couldnt fit them, then i remembered I had a pair of varifocal sunglasses from Asda, so I phoned them up and asked if they could give me an exact same pair but without the tint! It worked! I used that pair for almost a year.

21st May

Finding safe places to walk? Graveyards!

3rd June

Letter telling me I still had to shield until 18th June, most people were allowed out for 1 hour of exercise a day, we werent .... I have never been so grateful for my garden, I knew every step around it, 47 steps around the perimeter in total. 

I busied myself making lots of quilts

you can see the length of hair for scoobs in the picture above, I think it was not long after this I started cutting his hair, still doing it!

awww my Doric small world quilt! and scoobs dressed up for a work thing, he is so game! Work was still totally bonkers, lots of really bad behaviours, not good not good at all. I look at my diary now and am so sad, there was so much unecessary work stress, not necessary at all.

5th June

I threatened to hand in my notice, this was really the start of retirement plans, work was so bad I started to look at my options and realised that actually I could go, very illuminating. 

6th June

phoned samaritans in the middle of the night .... I was really at a low ebb, I would never have harmed myself I just needed someone to talk too.

8th June

Ahhh lovely another letter saying I had to stay home and shield now until the end of July, again grateful for garden etc but OMG this was hard, I did sometimes get up really early in the morning and go out around the country lanes, wracked with guilt for not doing what I was told .... sheesh you can imagine my feelings when the downing st parties news came out.

16th June - I did hand in my notice, I remember it so well, Scoobs stood over me and almost made me hit the send button.

My boss at the time called me on teams and told me to take 2 days off and reflect but that if i still said i was handing in my notice she would be obliged to accept.

My boss at the time persuaded me to stay, She did it from the best motives and I am glad she did, she said this was not the way I should leave and she was right, I eventually got to leave exactly on my own terms which i am grateful for.

20th June

Its so lovely outside! Scoobs honed his BBQ skills

25th June - huge bust up with member of staff this was really the beginning of the end for that scenario, a shame but looking back now it was inevitable. People do not change not significantly.

26th June Quaffle! Chum Sheena wanted to do an online raffle for her charity and needed someone she knew to test the whole thing out, so we raffled off my Farmers wife quilt! It was great fun, raised loads of money and best of all someone I knew won it and she had been on her own during lockdown so this fair cheered her up!

3rd July  - start of HE top trumps with best chum, whose Uni is the most bonkers ... 

9th July

Easing of shielding, PHEW! letter saying from 10th July I can do more, go outdoors for a start! travel further than 5 miles, thank you! Also the start of the shee wee chat with R&S! I could now go up to mams but didnt want to have to go to a public loo on the way! we found an alternative!!!!!

11th July -  first visit to mams

13th July - ahhhhh looking at my thought for a day diary i see the beginnings of when things really started to fall apart at work ..... D and J and K

18th July 2020 - Oh wow , this is when we bought the chair for the living room! this was the first shop we went into, you had to book an appointment etc you were the only one in the shop etc, actually quite nice! I was really stuggling having to be at home so much and not moving as much as I was used too, so we needed a new living room chair.

19th July - this was my first time sitting in chums Garden, David and Cass, that was so good to see them and sit in the garden and chat

20th and 21st July - 12 hour days .... I note in my diary - bonkers just bonkers

24th July

You can stop shielding! 

25th July -  I wrote in my diary about wearing a face mask? surely we wore them before this?

1st August  -  I think this was the 1st time I went to Kaleidoscope with Kim? also had tea and cake at woodhouse?

4th August - Sue Boo and David! very first real life visitors, it was all so strange, as if we had forgotten what to do

16th August - virtual sewing day with Ruth chill in garden

19th August - shoulder goes again

27th August -  Start off reorganization at work, this was just brutal, 7 divisions into 4, having to speak to all teams, awful time

29th August 2020

Massage in Edinburgh, meet up with Jacky, lovely long walk, coffee and quick hug

1st September

 - in thought for the day diary, I noted I got through the script .... we were given a script by HR to go through regarding the restructure, It was brutal going through it with every team, awful.

2nd Sept

I note - F**k work my friday night chum from HE was also broken

12th September

Picnic Kim

14th September

OK more outbreaks so download the app to let you know if you have been in close contact.

20th September

this photo makes me hoot with laughter! and the start of a long running in joke with my chum about mushrooms. I posted this on instagram and she thought I had planted it because she didnt realise these mushrooms were real! so so funny

24th september

Oh dear, note in my diary about team member the middle of the beginning of the end, would this have happened without the pandemic? we will never know ...

26th September

Tea and scones with Kim are the only thing keeping me sane I note

28th September

Hit a wall and cried in a meeting, I think I made an excuse that I had some bad news, I hadnt I had just had enough ....

29th September

Japanese Gardens with Mark, oh my I remember this so well, it was beautiful, we had sandwiches outside, it felt like being on holiday it was so novel.

4th October

Virtual sewing day with chum Ruth, very lovely

10th October

Tea and fabric shopping with Kim and Jo

18th October

The donkeys became a huge part of my pandemic, I would see them often, I think this was the first time I met them

19th October

Doune Castle, met up with dear dear chums here, then went to the smiddy for coffee and bacon rolls, such a momentous and special day

23rd October

Letter laying out new tier system ... Actually it was a good idea but blimey so contentious and you had to stay on top of all the changes.

29th October

Drive up to Taynuilt, first time away from home! got to see chum Sally, my wonderful Scoobs re created a lot of the wonderful breakfasts we have had on holiday, I love him so much.

We had a cuppa in the garage with Sally and her husband, so amazing.

9th November

First time seeing these chaps in their starry jaikets!

10th November

I am not good

20th December

Balancing the risks of daily activity booklet, OK again a good idea but goodness so much to consider also quite overwhelming.

19th December 

Drove up to mams for xmas, I was (supposedly ...) the only one who could visit her as I was shielding too. I learned to drive up for 4 hours without a loo stop, pretty proud of that!

I remember Nicola Sturgeon on the news looking genuinely terrified about surge in case numbers never been so terrified in my life.

Now I realise that this was when Boris Johnson was partying in no 10, there are no words to express the rage.

January 2021

Letter from govt - roll out of the vaccine, never been so happy to receive a letter from govt ....

4th January 

Additional protective lock down measures. Everywhere which was in level 4 will have more lockdown measures. Strong advice is stay home where ever possible. I remember this as a time of hope - vaccines and also fear.

6th February 

FIRST VACCINATION

I cannot say what an amazing time this was, this was the first sign of hope for almost a year.

15th March

17th April

Car park picnic Jo and Kim this is the car park which kept us going

25th April

Kaledoscope - Kim

18th May 

Up to the Lookout in Taynauilt! our first meal out for over a year!!!!!!

25th May

Picnic Jo and Kim

27th May

first cataract op, this was incredible, I had decided to go private as the NHS waiting list was about a year ( very understandable in the circumstances. I simply cannot say how amazing this was, almost perfect sight! Glasses only for reading!

12th June

Jo and Kim - Kaleidoscope

19th June

Sue David and Boo

Also the start of my pink prosecco countdown, I originally wanted to retire in May 2022 so I bought 12 bottles of pink Prosecco and had one a month until I retired.

I hid them in my home office! had to throw a quilt over them when someone spotted them in a teams meeting ...

3rd July

Kim and Jo

15th July

Letter saying about move to level 0, cases high but hospitalisations low, reducing indoor distancing from 2 meters to 1. OMG all the risk assessments etc around this, all had to ben changed and updated.

17th July

Ruth and Sheena - giving chums presents i had brought them back from Japan, we hadnt met in person since January 2020 .... we went for a walk and an outdoor meal, it felt like paradise.

18th July

Jacky Doug and Donald, oh my word, the first BBQ, very beloved chums round, they were allowed to go inside but only for the loo! we had cordonned off a downstairs loo for them!!! It was blissful utterly utterly blissful, friends, people fun and laughter.

30th July

Virtual FOQ, what fun!!!!! great time

31st July

Kim and Jo

3rd August

oh bless Scoobs, he was always willing to sit out in the rain with me when I didnt want to sit inside.

6th August

Letter from govt, moving beyond level 0 and keeping some precautionary measures

29th August

Elaine group, the lovely Green and Scratchy from IG brought together a group sewing day up by Perth, again a lovely piece of normality, blissful

12 September

Janice gin palace

29th September

3rd dose, first booster appointment

16th October

First time back at Glasgow Modern quilt guild since March 2020

13th November

Tyndrum Ruth and Sheena, Emmaline retreat bag making Scampi and Chips, Ruth re creates Gartmore! also Coronation chicken sandwiches

27th November

Woodhouse and Kaleidoscope meet

5th December

Wreath at the smiddy with Jo and Kim

11th December

First U3 since pandemic at Blonde, just incredible

15th December - Omicron, everything cancelled

18th December

Kaleidoscope

27th December

Scoobs home but we need to isolate - hideous but we sat in the garden for hogmanay

24th December

Smiddy Kim

29th December 

First letter telling me I am eligible for anti virals

2022

6th January

Told Fraser Im retiring this now gets real 

11th January 2022

Another booster dose, I got grilled when I went along, did I really need one, hell yes i do, wasnt going to leave till i got it.

25th January 2022

 letter about returning to normal .... boosters to protect against omicron, use same advice as everyone else, but you have just spent 2 years telling me I am not like everyone else! gonnae make up your mind!!!

12th February

Coffee indoors at the woodhouse, an important step

4th March 2022

changes to the way we manage and updates for those on the list, basically to me it said " everything else is returning to normal you are on your own ...." my very biased interpretation but I wasnt the only one.

No longer have to wear masks .... well Im still wearing mine thank you very much.

5th March 2022

U3! Blonde!

14th March

Back selling raffles at the rural

26th March

Feeling more and more comfortable getting out, seeing folks again is amazing

11th April

just another reminder about antil virals, thanks but I dont need a reminder I have the number on speed dial!

9th May

Letter stating that the highest risk list will end on the 31st May and quote "I know how difficult shielding was and I do not plan to ask you to shield again, we are in a very different position to where we were in March 2020 and have better ways of managing the virus now"

27th June 2023

So here I am returned after a fantastic holiday in Skye and Orkney. I thought now is the time to finish this page. I am out and about a lot, travelling, doing things I had never believed possible at many stages of the pandemic. I will never believe we will be fully out of the pandemic and are we living normally? We are living as normally as we can but only time will tell, so many people brutalised and sick due to the measures taken, most of which were necessary but only because the Government mucked everything up. Sitting listening to the Covid enquiry (trying not to yell too loudly at Matt Hancock) hearing that the main thing was they didnt stop the disease getting into the UK, well DUH!!!! and we are an island 😱 how simple would it have been to close our borders???? test people coming in????

And Johnson .... lets not go there, I cant think of the man without having a hissy fit.

So lets look at the faces of the two who were instrumental in getting me through this whole shit storm

From friday night Gin zoomies to walks around the botanics and lets not even think about the Whatsapp conversations 😂 and BBqs, simply the best

And this man, you dont need my words to say how much i love him

Update June 2024 - Well thats over 4 years we dodged it so Ill take that as a win I think? We went to France for a belated 60th birthday celebration , we managed to do most of what I wanted to do then on the sunday I started to feel bad ..... Mark managed to get some covid tests on the monday and yup very quick very strong positive .... We made the decision to travel back home there was nothing stopping us, naturally we masked up and tried our best to avoid people, Mark was negative at this point but then positive when we came back.

In some ways it was a relief, I knew it had to happen sometime unless you hermetically seal yourself away and I think dodging it for 4 years was a good result. But yes it also brought some feelings back but perhaps thats not such a bad thing as it can help process them I can only hope...

This was on the 5th day I was hoping it was clearing but then the picture below was today .....

Still very strong, my main upset was that I was told I wasnt eligible for anti virals .... apparently I used to be but not any more ... hey ho, I think I am supposed to take that as a good thing but it was a shock and it really floored me. Me being me I managed to pick myself up and work through it, but yes I suppose this is learning to "live with the virus"

Below is on the Sunday, 7 days since I started showing symptoms, quite a bit fainter,  I still feel awful though its like a very bad cold at the moment,  strange though also not like a typical cold

Day 9 ...... feck sake still positive 

Day 11, ooohhh it looks negative!!!

Day 15

I think this is still negative,  seriously these govt tests are not very good,  I got some from chemist but they were running out .... yup there is a big wave just now! 

Still feeling totally wiped out but being sensible 

I posted above on instagram in regard to the labour win, I'm slightly hopeful but not stupidly so, one thing I do want to see is a better policy on CV, less gaslighting and more seriousness,  I can only hope 😊

OK I may be going "slightly" stir crazy 🤣🤣 but I was getthacked off at the govt CV testing kits, I could never properly read the results so had to start using the kits I bought from the chemist, we were rationing those because they were in short supply. But see below the strip on the left as you look at it was govt strip, one on the right is chemist bought. The difference is clear, chemist bought is far clearer, you can hardly see the result on the govt one.

So I dud an experiment,  I used another govt test but instead followed the instructions fir the chemist one, this means keeping the swab in the fluid for longer and dropping in 4 drops instead of the three the govt one recommended.  

Blimey what a difference! Thankfully it still shows I'm negative but you can really read the result this time. I'm not sure what this proves if anything but I now feel more comfortable using govt ones

A prayer/blessing from Jacky from Japan, she eventually got to visit!

So! I'm journaling daily progress on another separate page but here I want to think out the thoughts about eventually catching CV and what it means for me going forward, I need to assume i will recover at some stage. That has to be an assumption.

So what is my lesson from this? What lesson do I learn? We always said that during the pandemic but I don't think we listened or learned from them.

I'm retired I need and should want to accept that I thought that going at it full pelt was just me being me but I think part of me was scared of slowing down? But I can be more mindful without slowing down I think?

I love my house, I adore my house my garden 

I think I  want to make going out the exception not the rule, only go into Edinburgh for Jacky, Andy and Wendy in that order. The TT needs to go, personal training needs to go. Pool swimming, only when weather is too bad not too, stop making hurdles for yourself to jump over.

Holidays - be more mindful with them, but this year was an exception my 60th but going forward be more mindful 

I think we cram in so much we never stop to smell the roses, covid forced me to stop and smell the roses 😊 and they are beautiful 

Every time I have been seriously ill I have seen it as a challenge an opportunity and I hope I have learned the messages it was teaching me, Depression with 1st husband,  I overcame that and left him and successfully (with some hiccups 😉) rebuilt my life my career and became something pretty special which I'm very very proud off. Labyrinthitis, I overcame that which was my first major being stuck inside illness 4 weeks I think? Crazy to look back on that, but I overcame and got fitter for it. Cancer that was  big big message, 10 months what did I learn? I learned to not sweat the small stuff, cherish the folks who were there for me and not worry about those who weren't.  I got myself fitter healthier eventually it took time, this will take time too. Arthritis,  that was a scary one but I learned I grew I built it into my life. I will do so with this, I will learn and grow and I will take on this challenge as I have with others.

My chum is in Bergen she sent me this from the Munch museum,  three stages of women. It really resonated with me, I used to feel like the woman in the middle but now feel like the woman on the end .... "spent woman" 

the chronology of womanhood becomes the main symbolic content in Woman in Three Stages. To preserve picture margin and is isolated between two tree trunks. The red plant is the same as in the probably earlier Jealousy, but assumes the added significance of shedding life blood - a motif fully developed in Parting. It is characteristic for Munch to seek plausibility even in his most fanciful themes, but such insistence upon credibility does not reduce the power of Munch's symbols. The virgin is white, in billowing dress with flowing hair, standing on the sand strip between water and forest and straining toward a distant horizon. As in The Dance of Life, the central position is occupied by Woman in full and sensuous maturity. Here she is rendered naked, provocatively frontal, red-haired and red-lipped, with her arms raised and her head tilted in brazen coquetry and whorish contrast with her other selves. Close to her, like a shadow, is a dark image of spent womanhood whose embodiment stands with raised shoulders, slim waist, and pointed mouth. This last of the tree women is nearest to Man, both in position and in the somber black clothing.

The painting reiterates the scene at Aasgaardstrand with its powerfully swirling beach line as the unifying formal element.

I'm tired and scared this room feels like a stranger to me frozen in time, I genuinely don't know if I'll ever be able to use it again 

Rheumatology appointment today, feel hopeful for the first time in a long time, need to see if there are any crashes, but hope today was hope.
So its three days after Rheumatology, today has felt the most normal since contracting covid, I am still very very weak and goodness this will take a long time to get over but no crash since monday .... famous last words? speaking too soon? I hope not but whatever happens there are many many take aways from this and the major one being that I do less, do waaaaaay less, so much is getting dropped and will not get picked up again.
So, rheumatology - lowering methotrexate looking to getting rid of it completely! woo hoo!!!! But this is a CV page, what has CV taught me??  - who my friends are thats for sure, what i do and dont want to do, I had to learn that one for myself. I want  to spend time in my house and garden, I love them!!! I love long lie ins and reading and listening to podcasts, I love having a clean house, this is my haven.