"Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so"
Hamlet to Rosecrantz apropos of Denmark which was a prison to Hamlet.
September (now using hug cookie and juice box page, as of Aug 24)
Going to archive this page now, it was started in a different time a different chapter, now i am no Longer working lets see what the new chapter brings, thinking in a different way perhaps?
July
Five weeks now, last ever PDRs with the team …. Its all feeling surreal but oh oh so good, tired, exhausted but the end is definately very much in sight.
Am I at peace? Well as much peace as there will ever be! I could just be, well its nice just now and I will enjoy it while it lasts. I will not fit into the pink dress and may not do ever again and I am perfectly all right with that!
OK never going to fit into dress …… but hey can i at least be a bit smaller than now??? That would be great, so much stress but am I hiding behind work stress? How much toll has the pandemic really taken on me, how much has being CEV really impacted on me? Time will tell.
June 2022
A whole week off, my last ever annual leave! Feels weird to be sure, but good i think, a taste of things to come? We shall see.
So this happened …. 
How did that happen? It’s upside down! Well thats probably appropriate as its not happened yet but the notice has been handed in and I am off and out of the 9-5 as of 30th August! told all the teams, just about to go and tell another stake holder …not sure what reaction will be.
May 2022
Sake! Seriously 12 8??? What has to change?
Oh well operation pink dress seems not to be getting off the starting blocks at all ….. quite a lot of stress just now, things opening up no idea how it’s all going to go, families …. All quite a lot to take in, be gentle on yourself m’dear.
April 2022
Harrumph, OK last weigh in for April and its 12.5, seriously what do I have to do? Well exercising more would be a start. The step count challenge coming up would be a good place to start with too. Also I have the Les Mills app, I have paid for it, need to start using it!
Hmmmmm OK first weigh in = 12 6.5 😬😬😬😬 not good for many reasons. But I found out I have not been taking the right dose of folic acid 🤦♀️🤦♀️ no wonder I have been going to bed at 6! Let's see what taking the right dose does for my energy levels. May is a busy month. lots of opportunities to over eat etc, lets see if I can navigate them.
Sooooo here is the thing, I need accountability for my weight loss. I need to loose weight for so many reasons. Health primarily, my poor old bones cant take this load much more. So I will use this page for accountability. In 20 weeks time I want to wear my pink dress:
So from memory I was approximately 18 pounds lighter in this photo than I am now. If I want to wear this in mid august I need to aim for a pound a week. So far this year i have been ping ponging back and forth loosing and gaining the same 3 pounds 😂 got to stop, I know how to do this, now work stress is minimised I can hopefully get my butt in gear!!!!
So week one, I will weigh in on wednesday and see what the weekend of lamb and cheese has done to me 😕.
Gosh well there is a turn around for the books. Moving on from the rocky start, realising that I have actually done fantastically, seeing things which grind my teeth and then thinking “meh” 😂 I just dont care any more, really don’t care. I have done what I can, all the rest is in the lap of the gods. Hearing folks say they were worried about being “too direct” 😂 if only they knew. Hey ho not my problem, really really not my problem any more and that feels utterly great.
There may come a time when I look back fondly on this period, not in the short term though! Still we move closer and closer and closer to liberty day and things fall in place, which is all good. but oh my new people starting brings the realisation of how utterly awful the old things were. Hey ho.
March 2022
Coming back to self, slowly and will it last? I dont know but it feels good.
Taking the last of the toxic left over to committee today, I wonder if i will look back in a year and think what the heck was i stressing about? Who knows. World is on the verge of nuclear war and i am worrying about this??
This part will be over with by 11 today, there will still be stuff to do, but after my news being leaked by Lucy then I just dont care. The past three years have been marked by thinking “my fall back is going off sick” thats no way to live it really isnt. I need life beyond this.
Wow, just wow, talk about passive aggressive leaving speeches ….. and leaving cards and leaving present, jeez. Totally shredded. Hey ho …
No words, just no words, no thinking is what is needed now. How the fuck did we get here. It’s like March 2022 all over again but now not global pandemic but global war …. What a species we are.
February 2022
Holy fuck, there are no other words for it. How in the name of all that is sacred did we get here? Putin putting Russia on high level for nuclear alert? What the actual fuck? I remember this feeling from the 80s, going home from University at one point and me and my chums not knowing whether we would see each other again … yes it got that bad, and this time? Dear lord, seeing Ukraine and what they are going through its all insane. And work? Well just fuck that, spent the whole weekend writing and re writing a paper being bullied by the usual suspects. It’s all madness, I had a hobby craft class this morning, put it on to mute half way through and kept on working. This is all insane just insane.
And just like that the world is on fire 😔 oh goodness what a time to live in.
In a meeting with the usual suspects ….. oh blimey it makes is soooooooooo easy to make this decision 😀 i am so out of here.
Wild weekend! Lots of flooding, comparing tim Horton and Costa! How rock n roll! Tim Horton wins hands down, there are periods of omg how much work?? Interspersed with ‘jeez this is just not worth it ….’ But I will do my best, see what comes, at the end of the day I will bow out knowing I did my best.
Morning walk to the docs! No car at the moment but thats fine, it got me just over 9k steps. Big changes, small changes. I no longer fear and dread going in, thank you FPP95 masks! I am now longing for liberty day, I want to explore life beyond work.
A lovely evening walk, in the dusk what a special time of night. Slight perturbation but not much, it is slowly slowly sloughing away, to be honest this is all nonsense, really is. I can now view with detachment.
And the stress melts away, yes there are bits but fleeting, none of this nonsense matters any more it really really doesn’t.
I had an indoor real life coffee, wow that was special.
Its all still a bit grim but its getting better, this is the last winter I will have at work, thats huge, what difference will that make next year? I need to look back and reflect.
I had to walk to and back from Falkirk to pick up a hire car, I can still do it! thats a great thing.
January 2022
rumination again! 3 hours sleep …. But its ok, the stress is so much less, its all winding down. This is do able. All this work stuff is nonsense really isnt it?
Well that was a super smashing weekend! Walks in the botanics with super sparkly chum, other walks and biscuits with other smashing chum, Costa drive through for lunch! That was a great day, then Jumanji in the evening. Life is good.
My tree is lovely, a great touchstone each morning.
It was a lovely walk this morning. I am going to archive this page once I retire but it will be so good to tail it off not being sick to my stomach with work. That is fading and receding, I cant express how wonderful that is.
This morning was beautiful. Because it is still dark i see folks setting up for the home working day! One chap has a treadmill and is running, the other just getting things set up on his workstation. Cold ish but not icy, a lovely start to the morning.
I am beginning to get out again in the mornings. One thing i feel i have lost touch with is connecting with the seasons. I want to document this by taking a picture at much the same time each day to see the seasons come and go. This tree is in the route i go around the swing park. This is what it looked like at 7.50 today, 10/01/2022. Im looking forward to seeing it become brighter.
December 2021
I didn’t even know what to say any more, whinging feels so indulgent but it’s where I am at just now. Stuck in sewing room, what was a sanctuary now begins to feel like a prison, cold and lonely, mark coming home only for us to isolate from each other, lovely friends who agree to meet outside and freeze with you because you are too terrified to sit indoors …. Cancellations all round just when i thought I was getting some normalcy back it gets whipped away from us. Hey ho, it is where we are at, just to get on with it. But there comes a point when the pressure to feel ‘grateful’ is too much and you want to tell folks just to fuck right off.
Well that all escalated didnt it? seriously its all just too much, just too much. I simply cant believe how quickly the world turns. Anyhow my mind is made up and we just get on with it, move towards the end goal. I got the scan in at least which is all good. Everything else .... well we see how it all plays out, wont we. I miss the connection to nature, I miss my morning walks. Soon we will reach the solstice, a turning point.
November 2021
Well swings and roundabouts! Up and down and all over the place. New starts which promise new hope but they cant really over turn what has gone before can they? Toys out of prams, hissy fits, naivety, so much, some of it mine? Maybe, but i dont think so. But i am not that daft, the process is broken isnt it. this is all bonkers, Evelyn and Andy are real life the rural is real life. They are what matters.
Applecross, a turning point? Perhaps , hopefully, still work dominates, is that because the end is in sight? Is it because I know this is the final fling? I dont know, just raw just now.
October 2021
Well another week just more and more cak, weirdness like making coffee in a freezing cold kitchen with my mask on … it feels OTT but then it feels sensible too. Mark had a lovely time with his folks which is the main thing. As for work? Well same old same old, stress not enough time, things getting dumped, all just cak. But I really have started to care less …. Not careless but care less, there is a difference. Also beginning to get excited about Applecross too, just need the blood results … gorgeous evening skies though.
I wonder how long i will remember what this feeling is like? How long will I remember the work stress, not in a bad way but as something to reflect on, something to benchmark what retirement is like? I hope i remember it to remind myself how good retirement will be. I am getting out more which is good, aiming for 12-15k steps per day. Trying different routes, seeing new things, still entranced by the familiar things.
How can something so fragile be so strong? I love seeing these spiders webs with the dew and rain on them such fragility such strength.
I have been going out first thing in the morning for an early walk, going down to Seabegs wood to walk in the footsteps of the Romans. Today I stopped and listened to the birds, it was simply lovely.
I found perspective, honestly non of this is worth it. We now walk in the evenings and see bats, how amazing is that? I love my evening walks with Scoobs, we both need them and get so much from them.
Oh my word, so much stress, just incredible, I dont even know where to start , folks willing to take a 22k pay cut to avoid this shit? It’s all too much, I also got my third primary dose and im so grateful but it really knocked me for 6. Hopefully things will get better. I can only hope.
September 2021
A relatively good week! A meeting with Andy and visit to the Queens Gallery, lunch at Dynamic Earth, all very convivial and very almost like normal 😊 I’m still leaving, I’m still going, its all just too much really and always will be.
A bit more time to be me a bit more time just to be, that would be so so lovely, we have consensus on Gartmore! How lovely that is to look forward too, such a treat.
The feel of *slight* doom and gloom is pervasive. All still stuck in the middle, folks want certainty, folks want a definitive time line and there is just not one coming. Famous last words but things are quietening down a leeeeetl bit but hey we have been here before and we have come round here again. Feeling like winter is coming, things which we could do in summer we can do no more ….. all a bit sad really.
But we can still do things just need to modify and adapt, can still do walks with Scoobs! Can hopefully still have breakfast at canada wood.
Ahhh it didn’t last long 😕 I’m now on my 8th day of working 5 am start yesterday, staff off today all madness total madness. Men speaking for me, taking my voice, taking my place. What is my place? Not here my place is not here, not in this maelstrom of insanity.
Why do we do this? Metric this and metric that, but we conveniently forget to pay out dues ….. everyone is out for themselves, there is no notion of togetherness or solidarity. None, it’s all posture and peacock feathers strutting and self aggrandisement. I need out, I want out, this leaves nothing but a bad taste in my mouth.
Well we bounce back quickly! We need to see how long it lasts but I have been banking quite a few Tequilla slammers recently 😂 it all just feels a game, some of it unnecessary and a lot of it very very avoidable .... hey ho, some folks just dont know when they are born! eye is on its way to being fixed! yea! ear will be done soon, ticking things off the list ...
And this is about as low as I have been for a long time but I suppose it has been building up … honestly this project will be the end of me, I have been through some dreadful projects but this one? 🤯 maybe because it’s during a pandemic? Dunno, but seriously picking a fight like he did? Outrageous.
Blocked ear, sore eye, just feel the lowest of the low just now. It will pass something will happen I hope and think. I just feel broken.
August 2021
Lets call him excalibur was the suggestion from the lovely chum on IG, i think that is a great name for this favourite fence post. This is a very appropriate name for this venerable old post.
Still processing the anger and the rage, being told I am denied a promotion because I have too much workload is quite a thing, quite a thing, and for it to be in an email to all involved well that is quite a thing too, quite a monumental thing too. What to do, well I drive up to Aberdeen and have afternoon tea with chums, good chums. Quietly behind the scenes i smooth i set right and I push back on track, this will never get publicly acknowledged and I think I am ok with that because at the end of the day I am only accountable to myself, I have nothing left to prove, I don’t need the kudos, and I neither want it from this lot. To thine own self be true, yes indeed to thine own self be true.
And so it all passed, all that stress and it was resolved. I really really am on the countdown, I know things may get better but i need to stick to my resolve with this. Walking to Aggies grave was lovely, walking back from dropping off the car was lovely, walk under the canal and past the Antonine wall, I need to know more about this, it is on my doorstep and I do not know what i should know about it.
Shit week really! but it has cemented my resolve, there really is only so much of this you can stomach, but life is returning to a bit of normality. seeing people etc, its all good, the plan of the universe will unfold.
There are times which ping me right back to July 1982 I think it was when I was unceremoniously chucked out of RGIT library school. Sitting on the radiator there thinking my life was done, career over before it started. Then I sit as I did yesterday on an interview panel for the new Global Director of IS. Pinch me 😂😂😂 seriously I need to blow my own trumpet because years of being told I was useless and not worth anything still haunt me. I can look back on my career with so much pride, so much pride. I have made my mark and I have earned this pride.
I have been thinking about closing off this page, it’s not that I don’t need it but maybe I don’t need it? Always looking for symmetry and the best time to do things I think I will close it off next birthday that seems appropriate.
Meanwhile august! This year has flown by yet again, my last two week holiday this year, work has intruded or rather I have let it intrude. That is as maybe.
July 2021
On holiday, my last two week holiday, getting some distance, getting perspective, getting some chill. Looking forward, it’s a bit scary but still amazing as well.
What a difference a year makes, when i go i can hold my head high, i have played an absolute blinder 😊 I am totally brilliant and should remind myself every day. This has been brutal but what a way to go out!
Sitting in the garden is utter joy, just utter joy, laughing with Scoobs, eating food soaking in the sun, perfect bliss, not even work can encroach. Lots of potential meet ups, get together, lets do this, people I trust.
Strong positive 😊 that will do for me 😉 and I got somethings off my list … for good …. It’s all just a leetle bit insane at the moment but hey thats been the new un normal for well over a year now, and on we go, its like Carry on up the Kyhber where they have that dinner party while being shot at. Hmmmm.
And he did it, ‘there will be more deaths’ ….. for those of us CEV this sounds like a death knell, or we just continue to stay indoors, just dreadful, just mindnumbingly awful.
Is it just me?? Has this country just gone mad?? Or am I speaking only from my very selfish standpoint? I just don’t know any more …. Masks a personal choice?? Exercise personal responsibility? Since when did this country show any great common sense? Or will Scotland plough a different path. Since 2016 this land has just bemused and confounded me.
I need to find my own way through this. Bu just now I really dont know what that route is.
I am back to sewing though and it fills my heart, so fills my heart, I said last year we would be more choosy with who and how we spend out time with, my goodness that is proving so true, so so true.
June 2021
Even more sure!! Lovely day with Sue and David and Boo, doing jigsaws, cleaning out my Tupperware drawer, that’s what I want to be doing!!
Oh i am now SOOOOOOOOO sure about work!!! Blimey what a few weeks, totally totally and utterly bonkers …… but we have clarity, i speak to nice pensions man and take it from there, it could not be worse than now. Although things have improved, but the only improvement has been that i am more able to cope with this nonsense, the nonsense is still there!
Eyes are working out OK though, right one taking a bit longer but hey thats ok, we can cope with that, I think so keen to get back to exercise.
Work hmmmmm still not sure, I have definitely made my mind up, but sometimes I think, it will be ok others I just think this is all bonkers. Anyhow maybe more clarity after pdr etc etc. I just want to be making quilts!!
May 2021
Well first day back at work? honestly I dont know why i bother, main thing is to just hang on in there .... 360 degree feedback .... honestly 😂
This break was a true reboot. Just what was needed, utterly fantastic. Remember this, this has consolidated decision more than ever.
Today the mind crashes somewhat. All thoughts a jumble. But this is the break which was needed, time to rewire.
Perspective, a week away , well 5 days gives perspective. Head mostly out of work, Taynuilt is just beautiful. Oban is stunning, yes it’s all still a bit scary but it’s ok. We even went into a shop!
Every day I think - is this the day? is this the day when i say enough is enough? I dunno. It just gets more and more bonkers every day and family friction doesnt help. A week off next week then I get the eyes sorted. Lord knows what that will entail. I just want to stop the treadmill.
Well momentous decisions, yup this time next year 😊 I deserve it. It’s cold though, so cold! Got heating on, wearing jumpers again. We all need some sun. But Mark has got his appointment for the vaccine! Thats good, thats really good. I will meet Kim and Jo for another impromptu picnic today (and yes fabric shopping 😆 cos I need fabric! But its all good, its all really good, just tired.
April 2021
I met real people yesterday. Met up with Kim and Jo and we sat outside Kaleidoscope and drank tea and ate biscuits. It was incredible. Real people, fantastic I really had forgotten what it was like. 2 and a half hours we sat and blethered , just amazing.
Today at the swing park a wee boy spoke to me, I cried after, it was so nice. Oh yes! Got the second dose!! In a few weeks I will be fully vaccinated. Whatever that means but it’s good, it’s great, it’s incredible actually. Some amazing skies out there.
So tired just now, we all need a break, it is gorgeous outside but still very very nippy. The sky is gorgeous though. There is an increase in my step count which is good, less slippy outside! Achilles are feeling better with all the stretching and less uphill downhill walking, I’m driving up to the top of the hill and then walking on the flat from there! Hey it works! The road was closed today so it meant I had to take a different route, which was fine I got to see some different fence posts.
I took some time out today, it was good to see more spring like weather, lots of chat about giving up work, taking time out, so tempting so so tempting! Oh my my previous nemesis is now my bestie 😂😂😂, aye ok hen will see how long this lasts!
So a nice weekend, fish n chips at Benny Ts, a change something different, but now I have dreadful heartburn ! Perils of old age. Car park picnics and visits to Kaleidoscope are on the cards and in the diary. Something to look forward too, which lord alone knows we need. Hanging on for longer weekend then Taynauilt, simple can’t wait, going to take my sewing machine up with me 😊. It’s been Baltic though.
thinking about Jacking it all in again, just totally bonkers, totally bonkers ..... looking at pension etc and just longing for some peace. Was there a time when I had actual control over what I do at work? dunno, was QMU different? at least there I had the students giving me pleasure! Here its nothing. hey ho.
Here we go again!!! stressed up to eyeballs, my own blooming fault, but hey I am fed up sitting on the sidelines and seeing others pick away at my job so I stick my tuppence worth in!!!
So stressed, and the problem is that so is everyone else. Normally we would all be a varying points of stress at different times, now everyone is more or less stressed to the max .... so I have no one I feel I can turn too because they are all as bad as me!
Fallen out big time with the family .... but honestly 4 families indoor, shoulder to shoulder when its only supposed to be a max of 2 families OUTSIDE???? ffs, they are idiots. that plus snippy messages on IG was just enough to tip me over the edge .....
anyhoo, I have these lovely faces to cheer me up!
March 2021
Well thats a year now .... 12 months of lockdown in one form or another. 10 months of shielding. What have I learned? What do I take forward? Much the same as I have learned through many other immense periods in my life, cancer, divorce, getting thrown out of University. I am stronger than I think, I have more resources within than I thought.
You find your strength from unexpected places. Regular chums from unexpected places too.
What is most important? That is all really and it is not always what is ‘duty’ if they dont play ball then neither do I, my risk is my risk and that is what I need to focus on.
It’s not always shite, today i facilitated a large meeting of Heads of Division and Directors, and it went really well. I got a round of applause when i went into a meeting with fellow Heads of Division this afternoon. Nearly 37 years ago, I got flung out of library school, I thought my life was ended, I would need to go home and work in a bookshop and live with mum and get married and have kids, none of which i wanted. Sorry that was never meant to be my story. I worked hard, I have great aptitude and fucking hell i dont let anything pull me down, I get down but flipping heck I bounce back!!!
Keep this moment, there will be plenty of other down times, keep this one in your back pocket.
It’s all a bit shite isnt it?? Och we are all burned out we are all tired and its just grinding us all down. These chaps are always so good at cheering me up. A break, we all need a break.
February 2021
Flipping heck, that was a few weeks wasn’t it? So so much better now i can get out, do a full 10k steps per day, fabulous, saw the docks today too!! Sod’s law i didnt have my camera with me hey ho! What a difference a few days makes, it incredible.
So so tired, just fed up with all of it, all of it, pandemic lockdown, work, the lot. This time last year I was in Tokyo, it might have well have been Mars. All of this is beginning to feel normal now and yes that is probably a good thing, we need to get acclimatized to all of this nonsense and find a workable way forward.
But hey I had a lovely valentines with Scoobs, he is the one constant I have!
I took these pictures around the back, the tracks made by the wee birdies! also the amount of seed they waste ....
I had a day off, a rest day from work. It was so good, days off, we need them. Im sitting here looking at the snow gently falling, paying more attention for the seasons is a plus of this whole shitstorm.
Swinging from deep despair at not getting out to the giddy heights of stomping in the snow, I can pretend I’m not locked down merely ‘snowed in’ I got vaccinated, so emotional so anxious, out in amongst ‘people’ familiar but scary.
The picture below looks like the snow version of cherry blossom to me.
January 2021
I think I have given up trying to process, it’s just not worth it! Holding out for the little things but which are in reality the big things. Snow and ice going so I can get out again, small freedoms so I can get car park picnic again, getting back on top of thinking or not thinking! Taking an hour to do garden bird watch. That’s a good good thing.
So what? so is this it? we pivot back again to extreme highs and lows, its the same but different, date night is now Asda petrol station! an outing is click and collect at Currys, we swing from being stuck indoors to ....what? limited freedoms. I dont know i care any more, Im comfortable, im as safe as i can be, the longings are fading and we bumble on. New laptop! nice screen, good resolution, I dont need my reading glasses quite as much. I love my house now, I always slightly resented it because i felt the pressure to keep my job to keep the house, but now I adore it, dont know how we would cope without the space.
I got this, i cried, I know this is not the finish but merely the start of the process but this is hope, this is hope.
What a week, what a week, images of the inauguration yesterday made me cry but also gave me hope. It also brought back memories of the march against Trump i participated in 2018. It seems strange now thinking about being in such a last group of people even outdoors. I wonder if we will ever get back to this? Not in the short term.
An espresso martini fixes everything, well no it doesn’t but it makes me feel better! What a fecking week , when just when did we get to here? I sometimes turn around and don’t recognise the past, was it really like that? Did I really commute every day? Did we really go to the shops several times a week? Did we meet in large groups and hug and do stuff close together? I haven’t been out of the house for several days now. Probably nearer two weeks, fingers crossed the snow and ice will go soon, I need to get out.
I have no words, I really have no words, it’s all just too much again, I’m not stressed or doing the things I did when I was stressed last year, then I was quite quite worried about myself. Now I’m just angry, poor Mark as well having his problems at work too, it’s all just shit basically! And America .... what the heck? And the UK incompetence and corporate greed on scales i didnt think possible. Profiteering from people’s misery. I’m pretty certain part of the problem for me is that I can’t get out, not seen the donkeys for well over a week, it’s so snowy icy and slippy out there. These are the last photos I took on my phone and they are from jan 5th. I hope it clears soon I really want and need to get back out there otherwise it’s just sitting here doom scrolling!
So libraries are essential are they? Need to stay open do they? Hmmmmmmmmmm
Well here we go again ... lockdown, but to be honest it doesn’t impact me much apart from work. I got a message from a chum who said “oh no will you be shielding again?” To be honest i never stopped shielding.
May mood dips down if I cant get out, that i saw starkly during the Christmas break, this makes getting out every day a must.
December 2020
Last post of 2020, well I had a nice day, i have had a nice holiday. And that is a good and positive way to end 2020, lets face it this year has been an absurd mix of extreme highs and extreme lows ... but this has been a much needed break.
I managed to get my yak traks out! they have been such a boon, I couldnt get out of the house without them!, They allowed me to go and see my donkey chums, who were i have to say a bit sulky!!!
On the road to the donkey chums we saw some strange animal tracks.
Some beautiful fence posts too.
Ok we are now at Boxing Day .... time to chill time to wind down and try and get my head together.
Visit up to mams, it was ok but there was a bit of a stooshie when she wanted someone to come and sit in the lobby, honestly folks just dont get it do they, I left I was upset but I did the right thing for me.
I had a good Christmas Day, exactly what I wanted, me and Scoobs and binge watching Star Wars. We went up to see the donkeys and they were there!!
I am betwixt being exhausted and full of restless energy .... is this the pandemic? Dunno, I was feeling very sorry for myself thinking no one loved me, but I know I am concentrating on the folks who don’t care and not on the folks that do and there are plenty of this, and we are all going through our own battles so I need to judge less.I’m not getting out as much just now too icy and slippy, not good!
I got the most beautiful advent calendars from Jacky, she really is the best chum! The minis had a ball opening every day, I need to commemorate that here.
Flipping heck, i am just so over exams, honestly, really really over it. But my fence posts give me strength and seem to resonate with so many others.
And it happens again, all the shit hits the fan, Do I come out of the EMQG yet again i get it wrong, I just shouldnt do swaps! Exams yet again I have to front up for others. I have no energy I have no oomph left this place has wrung me dry.
But then i go for a walk at lunchtime and I see this:
and it does make things that little bit better :-)
Wow, we hit December ...only 2 weeks to go, i feel like a toothpaste tube which has been squeezed and squeezed until there is non left. Just exhausted. The end is in sight but OMG what a fecking year, not just the pandemic but i suppose it is just the pandemic? I am at the stage of not knowing which way is up!
November 2020
Slowly slowly crawling to the end of the month, just wabbit, totally wabbit ... the countryside helps so much. These guys with their stairry Jackets make my day, almost every day.
So much anger, so much anger just now, dont know what it all comes from a mixture i think, need a break, all the nonsense about christmas and the virus, people just being fecking stupid! Christmas cant come soon enough and it will be a total break, in the meantime I console myself with donkeys and fence posts.
November is slowly coming to an end. I am so enjoying and relishing going for a walk early morning and late afternoon just as it is dusk. Seeing so many different lights. I have started buying more natuer embroidery books. I may put some of my other books up for sale to make room for them? not sure. I could always scan any patterns i want? get some pennies too!
Seeing my donkey chums remains a highlight as does nearly falling into ditches to get fence post pictures!
One thing I am really loving is seeing the different light, I have started walking later on and the dusk is just breathtaking, I can see why it inspires so much beautiful writing, it is truly magical.
These chums have made my mornings, and my lunchtimes!!! Look at them all gorgeous in their starry jaikets what a great start to the day to see them.
I’m getting obsessed with fence posts, there are some real crackers around here. To me they are like little cities, like the city and the stars by Arthur C. Clark, fantastical citadels. I love these beauties.
So much has happened, Am i still adjusting? Do we ever adjust??? Heaven knows!! It’s been up and down so far.
But look at my new chums 😊 Jacky and I have christened them Patsy and Edina. I am trying to see them every morning if i can, how gorgeous are they?
October 2020
I WENT ON HOLIDAY!!!!! Good lord its been brutal, I haven’t had a break since June, i only had 4 and a half days, i need this, i really needed this. I SOOOOOOO needed this. It was also our 10th wedding anniversary. I love Scoobs so much, he recreated all our favourite breakfasts from our holidays, from Morocco Paris, Florence. We went up to Sallys Air BNB in Taynauilt. So pretty, cosy and just perfect. We found Blackrock curries, so that was dinner sorted!
We saw Olive and Mabel!!! The online book event for Olive Mabel and Me. Andrew Cotter is just as wonderful in real life and OMG so are Olive and Mabel, just adorable. He could have made a small fortune from them but didnt want to, thats not what they are for. He really really loves his dogs, and that is just right and proper.
Well Here we are almost at the end of October ... what has October taught me? That i need a fecking break thats what it has taught me .... work is not the be all and end all. Also that i am not that great in big groups, but hey thats not a huge new revelation! I also need real people, meeting up with Jacky, Donald and Doug was simply the best, just the best, strange but the best, kept me going in a week I might have fallen over.
I need to go with the flow with this break this holiday, not have too many expectations not set myself up for disappointment just go with he flow and enjoy.
Getting out for a walk, that is an essential and not for compromise and doing it first thing too, that is essential and not for compromise. When i dont do it i feel it, when i do do it, it helps and more than i can say as well. There have been so many bad things about this year but re connecting with nature is one of the good things. Even in this bleak period when it is grey and cold and so so dull and grey, seeing Mother Nature in all her glory and know this will all be re born again in spring helps more than i can say. The leaves fell on me this morning and it was glorious.
Annnnnnnnnnd here we go again, its all kicking off but in a muted way. The proverbial has just hit the fan again and do you know what??? I just dont care, just don’t care. That’s it really. I just dont care. If they cut us, continually drag us down and want us to operate on a shoe string then what do they expect?
Ach maybe i will care about it but not tonight.
September 2020
Last days of september, I needed a break. We booked to go to the Japanese Gardens in Cowden, but my shoulder went and we couldn’t go.
They very kindly allowed us to rebook during the week. We had a lovely time, serene tranquil. Nice toasties too 😊
I went out for a Sunday walk, I took a different route, i went to the woods by the Antonine wall, frosty frosty morning, I went under the bridge and along past the canal. Super start to the day.
I went for a walk this morning before work, I must do that more often, it really set my mind at peace for the day. And the day has been grim, unintentional copying in of staff to emails .... flipping heck more haste less speed ... and a corker of an email it was too!
But the morning walk was lovely, and good job too because it is now windy and miserable again.
I think i am just going to hunker down for a while, I am not keen on taking risks and I think i am too twitchy with the current situation to be happy with being in wider company.
Mark and i are so lucky here, I just need to get a bit fitter and i can then tackle this lockdown/restriction as best i can.
Me and Scoobs are just fine as we are.
August 2020
I had also given the Bramble graphics Doric advice on instagram
We went for a KFC last night. This was a good thing, it has been awful recently, really awful. Work is just the worst just now, I actually don’t know if i want to stay or go! Well today i will find out a bit more, maybe not the full story but more of an indication. I am wearing my Betty Daisley earrings! She was an amazing woman, today i need my Betty Daisley earrings.
What’s the future? If I loose my job then I can retire, but do i want to retire? I am 56, in some countries that is a normal retrial date? I don’t know, if the world hadn’t changed so much i might not mind so much, if work hadn’t been so truly dreadful then I might want to fight to stay on.
It’s pouring with rain now, but these walks have been keeping me going.
This is my route around the swing park, one of my most common walks, used to go round this every morning with Bud, I can still feel him here with me.
Im really loving walking round my country lanes at the moment. Seeing all the seasons come and go, taking the time to look at whats around me and whats going on.
I have seen tiny little lizards on top of my favourite fence posts. I have seen hares and deer and bun buns. I say hello to the cow ladies and all the animals. No matter what is going on at work I love my lanes. I think back to the early days when spring was here and i saw the cherry blossom in the town and in the streets. Now Autumn is kicking in and its all getting colder but thats the way of it.
Last days of summer soaking up the sun on the balcony wif ma Scoobs.
still enjoying my walks around the country lanes.
So back to work! i made the decision not to put any work apps back on my phone, its working so far! plus i almost worked 9-5 yesterday !! that was a bit surreal. Im not going to let it get as bad as it did before, that wont happen Im going to make sure of that. Miserable day here but thats ok, I can still get out for my walks!
I have seen real people actual real people. Ok It’s distanced and it’s not the same but it’s better than nothing. I’m getting my head around work too. I need to get on top of that and I am, i really hope I am.
Tomorrow I will be marbling fabric and meeting chums for a distanced tea and scone. I simply cant wait. Really cant wait. I need so little. I really do.
Well, I’m on holiday and goodness it was a long time coming. I didn’t really relax until the Wednesday but then after chatting with Sue and David it really brought home to me how little i need and how easy it would be to just draw down the pension now, right now. I wont but the freedom this has given me is immense. I can walk away any time. This virus is going nowhere I have all i need here.
Am I adjusting?? I have no idea it comes and goes but there is so much to be grateful for. I am determined to get on top of this and enjoy myself as much as I can.
I would love to buy this old farmhouse and do it up, it has stunning views.
This is my favourite fence post, i love seeing the moss and lichen on it when i do my circuit.
Oh another favourite, i always have to stand on tip toes to see into this one.
July 2020
This apparently ragwort! who knew? Well I didnt! I pass this every day but today i decided to try a new app called plant net which is a plant identifier. I want to ensure that i have new habits and ensure I get out for my walk each day. I would like to identify one new plant each day and this was my first!
9 years ago .... 9 years, I looked the picture of health, but i was riddled with stage 4 cancer which was already moving into my liver .... never take anything for granted. Life is short, we never know what is round the corner, cherish every moment even the difficult bits.
Been watching reruns of the good life. Margo was utterly fantastic.
June 2020
There is so much about lockdown that i do like. Spending so much time with Mark has been wonderful. Having lunch, tea outside, actually living in our house rather than simply using it as a hotel. Mark made us some lovely kebabs and we sat outside in our garden to eat them. It was lovely.
I know these country lanes so well, or I thought i did. I know really look and observe as I walk around them. Seeing everything i didnt see before.
I got more freedom! which was lovely. I get to see more of my country side
June, June, when the heck did it become June? Was this month the worst of lockdown? I don’t know I really don’t know, so many highs and but all so extreme so so extreme. I now get out for unlimited daily walks, overdid it yesterday with a full on 10k walk! But so much good stuff, Ruth and Sheena Thursday night zooms. Jacky gnt on a Friday, lunch in the garden with Scoobs. Why am I not focussing my mind on those things instead of all the stuff at work? A my boss said, it is only work.
May 2020
Well end of May .... the world has tipped just tipped, I have no words, no time off nothing, just stress stress stress but must get on top of it.
There is good, there is a lot of good, time with Scoobs, loving my house, loving my countryside. I can do this, i can.
I need a break, i really really need a break, I think end of tether was reached a few weeks (months!) ago. Perspective needed and some days off are needed. Time off is in order!
OK if I'm going to have to do laps of my garden so be it! Could be an awful lot worse
I miss going to the cinema, I loved my cine world unlimited card.
I want to scream, I feel suffocated spending most of my time being shouted at from above from the side from below, all directions. Overeating overthinking over paranoia!!!!
And breath, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.
I got new specs, i love my new specs, I adore them. Grateful for my trusty wonderclip keeping my old ones together for so long. I need a break, I need a break from back to back online meetings I need a break from everyone having a go and that includes me!!
I need a break.
April 2020
21st
I have been taking photographs of the night sky (very badly!) but we have had some crackers over the past few weeks, I have also been trying to take photographs of the foliage around the garden, I have been doing laps of the garden to try and get mobilising ...
Where to start, where to even think about starting? I don't know how we got here, I look at below, day 2 of isolation …. I might even be adapting to the 'new normal' fuck who doesn't want to scream when they hear that …. stress eating bread and crackers seem to be my new super power …
I videoed this below for my chum Jacky, also for posterity, this is my daily morning laps and i am blooming lucky to have the garden to take these laps in!
March 2020
Well that all escalated !!! Good lord when did we get here? 18th March, day 2 of self isolation due to Covid -19.
I am still reeling a bit from it all to be honest. Who the heck saw this coming? Mother Nature is just incredible isn’t she. She is really getting her own back isn’t she!
I don’t know what to say, trying to find a new normal but that will probably just happen. Main priorities? Staying safe staying sane and staying human!
So this is my new commute. It will take getting used to but hey it could be worse?
January 2020
Late January
Another day off I allowed to be ruined by overthinking. Another reason to beat myself up. I beat myself up for perceived wrong doing. Continually looking externally for verification of my worth. But when I get that verification the inner critic shuts it down! Oh the irony.
Be a surf board not an ironing board, never a truer word said.
I don't need others to tell me I'm good enough, I don't need that.
Sheila you have come so far, done so much, touched so many lives you don't need the verification of others. Stop seeking what you don't need.
Look at the life you live and enjoy.
Well what a start to the new year .... I got robbed of half of my holiday. I had to go and look after my mam, and while it was the right thing to do it put a real dent in my mental and physical health. But it happened and i just need to deal with it.
Lovely day today, started off with nice walk round park in Cumbernauld. Some lovely moss and lichen there and it cleared out the head a bit. I have had some lovely days since i got back and the sewing room is sorted too, just needs a new carpet!
Hey be easy on yourself.
October 2019
I should come back here more often, how how how appropriate is that quote? Currently i am more stressed out than i have been in a long long time. Probably not since the dark days of the old job.
Overthinking thats what does it. That plus the continual thinking that i am just not "quite good enough" the lukewarm fanfare of the new job didnt help to be honest. And from then on in it has just spiralled down and down and down so today i felt like phoning the samaritans for the first time in a long time. Im not thinking bad bad thoughts, i had originally wanted to speak to breathing space but they werent open.
I feel there is only so much dumping on chums you can do, also i dont want to dump too much on Mark either.
So what to do? shoulder is chronic now, i am so worried it 'goes' again, I cant go through that amount of pain again.
I need perspective, i need a plan i need to stop endlessly ruminating I need to switch off this fucking brain of mine!
OK, perspective.
I have only been in the job four weeks ffs .... give me a fucking break! This amount of cak does not get fixed over night you know.
I am actually making some very very little progress. but its still progress, seems to me much more than has been done in the past 18 months ..... I need folks to stop interfering, Im on it ok?
I need a break as far as the online course goes. Its doing my head in as well.
I need to get fit, i cant let this get to me and the stress of that potentially kicking off too is not helping.
February
I love a graveyard, so facinating, so much history ironically so much life. This is Kirkton up in my home town.
I was doing so well!!!! i really was and then bang a day full of over thinking, ruminating and allowing someone to get RIGHT under my skin .... what do you do when someone you really really dislike and who has been quite horrible to you, decides that they want to be your best friend?? Im constantly on edge and my heart sinks whenever i see a comment ...I cant avoid because that would mean giving up something i love doing.
so, nothing for it but a lunchtime walk/jog and reconnet with my favourite fence posts to see how they are doing.
January
Well almost at the end of January. its been a funny old month! ive been swinging from thinking everything is rubbish to thinking WOW what does the future hold for me now. The new job has been hugely challenging, hugely in many ways but it has also invigorated me. There is life in this old dog yet!
A latte and a salmon bagel, very uninteresting but hugely significant. In my first marriage we would often come to Edinburgh to visit. I would longingly see shops and cafes and places to eat and think I would never be free enough to be one of those hips trendy and glamorous people who frequented them. OK I dunno if I'm hip trendy or glamorous 😁 but I nip in and out of the places I used to look at longingly. This is what used to be Luccas a cafe I never thought I would have the courage to enter or be free enough to enter. You've come a long way lady 😁
For a page which is called no thinking it seems to be a lot about thinking! but maybe its about the correct thinking? the healthy thinking instead of the unhealthy thinking?
So what has this week been about? the first week back at work? it was not as bad as i thought it would be and if anything slightly better! been thinking a lot about the "illusion of control" i soooooooo need to apply that to work and just let * things * go *
We had a rural meeting :-) Elvis will be our entertainment in March !!! but he is in an Elvis convention at the moment .... couldnt make it up, love the Rural.
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| Church for the Rural meeting |
The #makershand hashtag on IG really set me thinking. Here are my hands:
there were so many other makers out there with RA, it was so good to see how they coped and their perspective on it.
So all in all a good week.
More beautiful algae on the canal walls.
Antonine wall where we used to walk Bud.
This was on the way to the retail park, I saw it while waiting for traffic lights. It strikes me all the time how nature always wins. It waits and waits and seeks a crevice or a foothold then it takes over again.
Perspective
Been thinking a LOT about that on my first week back at work! Keeping perspective is a grand thing especially when people totally grind your gears! Today I reminded myself that not all battles need to be fought, that I don't actually NEED everyone that is in my life and I can walk away from groups etc if they don't fill me with pleasure. I know I don't do groups very well, I know that so if it's not giving me what I need then walk away. I need to compromise and am happy to do so but won't let others put me down either.
This was me last weekend! Oot on my bike, aww fae braw. I got s bit lost and did more than I should have but I enjoyed it and that's the main thing isn't it.
I am rapidly becoming a connoisseur of the cafes in Falkirk retail park. This is the range nice tea and scone but not as much tea as dunelm Mill and it was dearer. Still nice though. Thoroughly deserved after 2 hours on my bike!
The illusion of control. Its been on my mind for a while now. A lot of my stress comes from the illusion that I have control. Repeatedly thinking about things gives me the sense I can control it, bollocks ... nature always wins it is the only thing which has any control.
I am thinking of each day as its own separate time capsule. Bordering my thoughts with the end of this day and nothing else. I like it. Yesterday was a cinema day, Bumblebee, loved it. I have taken to parking the car about 40 mins walk from the cinema which means I can get my steps in as well 😊 Walking back along the canal it was dark, for the first time I noticed the lights which guide you along. So pretty like s ribbon guiding you forward.
Ok you can't really see it but I can picture it in my mind, it was lovely and in other news I have just found out I can use my shonky old vintage iPad to update this page! Win win. Now off out on my bike for today's adventure.
HMMM one day in a I fell at the first hurdle. I had a lovely coffee with a chum but they werent in a particularly good place and i spent the rest of the day wondering how much was my fault, if any?? they were maybe just being a bit grumpy, which is allowed! so today i was determined to remedy that. Off to see my first film of 2019 - the Favourite, incredible, determined to keep my stesps up i walked to see these chaps:
Gosh what a grey day it was, never mind they are still beautiful!
Walking from the cinema i passed this old school building, some really interesting lichen here I love the colours.
On the way back i wanted a cup of tea so I went to a burger van in the industrial estate, I also got an egg roll, but it was eaten too quickly to get a picture the tea was the nicest cup of tea i have had in ages! so good. £2.40 in total, what a bargain. A lovely walk, a really nice day.
ahhhhhh the 1st of January, a day littered with good intentions! I have been looking back lot and thinking a lot as well, 2018 hasnt been a bad or a good year it just has "been" I have had worse I have had better, did i know that at the time? i dont know if i did or not. I have been trying to meditate more this year and one meditation has the phrase "no thinking" half way through, this always hits me in the face as i know at that point my thoughts are always creeping back in.
No thinking how good so much of our life would be if we could just stop thinking, stop dissecting every interaction every email looking for hidden meaning and purpose. Trained from a child i look back at every event and flay it apart looking for things i did wrong, ways in which i did something wrong, hurt someone said the "wrong thing" this i can the use to beat myself up, a favourite past time in recent years.
I blame hormones they are just a bugger!
Anyhoo i would like to start training my mind to accept things as they are, face value, if someone compliments me - let them, if it seems that someone likes me - let them. Stop finding ways to reinforce the negative. If friends are dissecting emails looking for hidden meaning?? - let them, it is just too exhausting otherwise. If people continually want to make a "point"?? let them.
Me? i just want to look at fence posts. I have a favourite fence post :-)
This new year i discovered a chum on Instagram who also like moss and algae. around my walk near my house there is a lot of it, particularly on fence posts. To me they always look like little fantasy villages or towns, remind me of Enid Blyton fairy tales :-)
This was my new year walk for 2019.
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